Fulham 0, Blackburn 2- @#$^$%!!

Posted on January 17, 2010

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In NFL games the networks have this curious habit- aside from showing us the same 6 beer and truck commercials over and over again- of showing coaches just at the exact moment they’re using some adult language.  It’s euphemistically known as the Coach Swear Cam, and it happens much too frequently not to be on purpose.  Say a player commits a holding penalty on a 95 yard punt return for a touchdown.  Someone in the broadcast truck immediately thinks, “Let’s get a shot of the coach reacting to that!”  What do they think he’ll be saying when they cut to him?  He’s a football coach, these guys swear so much they make longshoremen look like flower arrangers in an ashram.  So everyone at home reads Coach’s lips, and we can all tell that he’s not ordering take-out or saying the Rosary.  And we wonder why our children all join gangs?

Roy Hodgson is much too sophisticated for that.  If there  was a Coach Swear Cam trained on him, it wouldn’t get much more than a ‘rubbish’ or ‘bollocks!’ when a goal was scored.  At  most it would catch him looking slightly more weary than usual, or scribbling down some notes on a clipboard that would later turn out to say things like “un-kidnap Davies” or “Buy 11 strikers.  Fight to death for roster spot?”.  I highly doubt it could catch him doing or saying anything scandalous.  If Jose Mourinho is Lady Ga-Ga, Roy Hodgson is Joni Mitchell.

But if a camera ever were to catch him reacting inappropriately, today’s game against Blackburn would definitely be the time and place.  Damien Duff’s set piece clearance ricocheted back past Mark Schwarzer and into goal to put Blackburn up.  We seemed to have no answer for Benni McCarthy’s shenanigans all day long.  And  Clint Dempsey, in the middle of sort of an excellent game, did something to his knee that we can only pray isn’t truly serious.  Each one of these items, worth an f-bomb or three.

He’s a calm man, that Roy Hodgson.  In World War II they would have made him a general (after a series of ice-cold bomber runs), and he would have quietly won the war with his strategy as Eisenhower and Montgomery enjoyed the limelight.  Years later some historian like David McCullough would study the transcripts and conclude that Genl.  Hodgson was the brains of the Allied operation, write a Pulitzer-winning book and cash in for millions.   But in 2010 he’s a soccer coach, the leader of a team with a 2 game losing streak,  some injury concerns, a dearth of attacking options and not a lot of cash to fix the problems with.  Sounds pretty similar to WWII, now that I think about it.  I’ll alert David McCullough.

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